I completely stopped blogging since the last post. I wasn't in the right place, life was insane and I felt so lost. I was afraid. Afraid of everything that has been going on and it just wasn't the right time for me to sit down and write things out. And now I'm afraid this post would end up depressing and negative but well, I'm currently watching Friends on Netflix while writing in an attempt to lighten up everything.

These past few months or should I say this year has changed me a lot. My perspective in life. My mindset. My life's changed, everything is different now and I'm shaking in fear, to be honest. I have been trying to cope with grief for the past two months read: trying my best to survive and deal with uncontrollable tears every single day. It's hard and I have no idea if I'm doing well. I do find myself desperate for all the distractions to keep myself entertained and distracted from all the sadness. I also learnt what a crybaby I am because I literally cry over anything and everything. A cute ghibli Totoro short video? Cry. A happy family gathering video? Cry. Nice people singing nice songs? Cry. I feel like a hormone imbalance pregnant lady. Yes I'm aware this doesn't sound very healthy for my mental health, but past experience with school counsellor puts me off the idea of finding a therapist. I just don't want somebody to tell me "Hey you will go to hell if you kill yourself, you know that right?" if I open up my troubles, you know? I'm a coward knowing there's a slim chance that might happen so in the meantime I'm just dealing with all these by myself.

Anywho, I'm still proud to say that I'm doing quite well on staying positive and grateful. Despite all the crying and breakdowns, I'm extremely grateful for the people around me. Family and friends were nothing but huge support when Mama was really sick. I couldn't thank enough for the help we received from family members. My cousins and aunt did so much and whatever they could to make things easier for me, I can't imagine how things would be like if I was all alone. Every now and then when I feel too worn out or when the strong urge to give up comes, I just think about all the help and encouragement from all these lovely people and it just warms my heart little by little. I mean after my mother passed on I could feel how much effort they put in to try and make sure that I'm okay. They invited me to stay over, fed me good food and we spent a good few weeks together at their place.

Gosh, I'm so lucky. Life is hard and everything sucks but I sure am one lucky girl. I believe everything happened for a reason— good or bad, and I believe everything was arranged at its best for me. In the last month of 2020, I only wish health and peace for all of you. Stay safe, stay healthy, appreciate every little thing. 

Here's a song I think fit of my mood now in the happier way possible. Enjoy and until next time.